Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces