Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.