“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that