*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.