A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.