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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami