[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
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Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME