My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb