I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel