I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.