My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.