It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.