Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My safe word is Worcestershire
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Oh. My. God.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.