Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space