Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer