sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered