Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.