everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
crochet youtube is brutal
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.