Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero