Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣