I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.