My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.