[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
nice challenge
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
cause of death:
autopsy.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.