Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.