Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
🙋♀️
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Can. I. Help. You.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.