Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
is nasa ok
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out