Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*