[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else