One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”