When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Not all heroes wear capes.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.