It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.