5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
You Might Also Like
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.