Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.