definitely did not do anything wrong
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“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Ladies, why y’all do this?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes