*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.