@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
#Caturday
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.