The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Monica just destroyed the internet
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
prepare for carbonated trouble
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less