My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.