[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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Me: Same.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.