Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I wish this was real life…
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.