Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
spot the difference
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day