Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When ur friends with white people
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
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