interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I’m literally crying
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“That’s what” – She
I saw nothing
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible