Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Cat is stressing him out.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.