I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
You Might Also Like
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
what could possibly go wrong?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“no gods no masters” = leo
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.