Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are