Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
bought wrong eggs
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps