Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
こいつ天才