Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol