[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
#Caturday
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah